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 * October 2007**

Love. Life. If you really want to hear about it…

It’s funny that life begins in one exact moment; you can pin it down to the second, really. The baby takes its first breath; and then, years later, its last. You can state a time of birth and a time of death, but not exactly when an illness begins. Not when it ends, not the minute it comes back. You can’t pin it down.

I will look through my journals to find the minute. One day I list my insecurities, classical reminders of everything that’s always bothered me. Why would I choose to write down my fears in such a way? God, who knows. It started between there and another entry.

Twelve pounds is an unreasonable goal. Unreasonable just enough, I know, that it will motivate me. I have never done this before, and I’m almost scared. Almost afraid. Almost in control.

I hear a knocking against the wall opposite my bed. I ignore it. This is a normal night, it’s almost two in the morning now and the yelling has lasted a while. I’m not surprised. Eventually, I will fall asleep. The light is off and I sit in bed. No one else is awake in the world; here, my bed is the center of the universe. I see nothing, but I feel overwhelmingly. Here it is, the center of the universe, and pressure comes at me, crushing. I feel.

It is dark, and when my eyes hurt enough from insomnia, I put my head on the pillow. It will be Tuesday morning when I wake up, and I have school. I must learn to be normal. I must stop feeling. Is this where it began?

I cannot pin it down. I cannot tell you the moment it began.

**in the dark night in** **the dark night in the** **dark night in the dark** **night in the dark night**

Days were better than nights. I found myself entranced with a meaningless attraction. We held each other, but had no feelings for each other: just liked each other. He knew nothing, we knew nothing. It was over before it began when I stopped feeling.

When you’re alone you don’t have to feel. You are not obliged to anyone, and therefore you must not say I love you. You must not try to hard to keep anyone happy, just worry about your own hang-ups, whether or not they are somewhat irrational. You have to believe in your will, and pretend you don’t think you’re going nuts. You must find somewhere to drain your feelings, and as they swirl down with your thoughts and fears, your mind is fuzzy and it warms you a bit. Guilt comes too. Guilt mixed with worry: are you obliged? Should you love?

If //I fell in love, I remind myself serenely.//